My first ever post…
December 17, 2010 § 1 Comment
I decided to start writing a blog for a lot of reasons, but mainly just because recently I have been having so many thoughts (read anxieties) that I felt the need to share them with the world or, at the very least, just write them down. I do have other, less moral reasons and that’s because all the graduate creative jobs that I’m applying to demand (or politely request) a decent online presence. Turns out directing them to your private facebook account, in which they can only see your name and current profile picture for fear of them seeing the disgraceful drunken photos that get uploaded every few weeks, isn’t quite enough to get you that interview.
You see, I want to work in Advertising. I’ve wanted it for a long time now. What’s frustrating is that I’m not quite sure where I fit in the industry. Years ago, I was sure I wanted to be a creative, specifically a copywriter. Then I was talked out of that career path by some pushy teachers, worried parents and a very caring but overly opinionated boyfriend. Now I’m older and hopefully know my own mind a little better, and am pretty sure that I want to be a creative again. It’s just that now I feel like I’m three years behind schedule.And I’ve started to doubt every decision I make, for fear that they are too important and I’m terrified of making the wrong one.
What all this confusion has meant is a lot of soul-searching, and by default a lot of arguing with my three and a half year boyfriend (the same one who I feel helped talk me out of following the creative industry in the first place, although he would of course disagree). I’ve started to question not just what I’m meant to do with my life, but who I am, how I feel, well just everything really…
I’ve been at university for the past three years studying English. That means a lot of reading, a lot of socialising and a lot of fun, although all these things must be tempered by the knowledge that university is about more than just getting a degree these days, and that you actually have to achieve something worth achieving during your time there. I’ve got involved with lots of societies, ranging from acting in plays to producing them, and setting up a synchronised swimming society to joining as a beginner in bellydancing. But there’s so much focus on doing something that I feel I’m losing out on the chance of just being someone – myself.
Maybe I’m getting too philosophical and need to tone it down a notch. It’s just hard to express something that can’t really be articulated (for any potential employers reading this, that of course does not apply to any advertising related work you may want me to do). Let’s take a question I was asked in an interview I had for DDB a couple of weeks ago (I’ll write another post all about this soon), which asked apart from what was on my CV under Interests & Activities, what else do I do for fun. And you know what, I couldn’t think of anything. I had to make something up on the spot and I think it showed. How sad is that – I feel so caught up in getting a degree, working for the money to fund it, making other unviersity experiences worthwhile and trying to find a graduate job so that it wasn’t all for nothing that I’ve lost all the things that actually made me interesting and employable before I started doing the degree in the first place.
I used to love reading; now, I can’t read for pleasure becuase I have to read for my course. I used to love writing; now, I spend too long writing essays and reading books to think about writing my own. I used to love sketching and scribbling down creative ideas for adverts as and when they came to me; now, being creative feels like it takes up too much time, time which I simply don’t have.
I know that every graduate will probably experience feelings like this. In fact, having watched one of my housemates break down about it not too long ago I can almost guarantee it, but it doesn’t make the fear feel any less real. I went to university to discover something about myself and really find out what being myself meant. I feel like I’ve just got further and further away from discovering that – but this blog represents the beginning of my journey to figuring out what that truly means, and finally realising who I am, what I’m meant to be and ultimately, whether any of that really matters.